Fieri and Brimstone Presents: Boozeapalooza 2017, Part II
Allie: Welcome back to the recap of our Guy Fieri-themed party. Last week, we described the food that we force-fed to our ungrateful friends. By the time the party began, Chris and I had been hanging out and cooking for seven hours and I was stone-cold ready to go home and take a nice, quiet, 12-hour nap. Instead, I did what any normal person with crippling anxiety would do: I went into Chris's bathroom and sat there quietly for like ten minutes until I heard someone say "Where's Allie?" and then I walked out of the bathroom with all the energy and enthusiasm of an innocent man making his way to the electric chair and prepared to ladle out some hot, greasy cocktails to people I ostensibly like.
Chris: Eventually people started showing up for the party. It was truly weird to have a party where you were inviting your friends to come over and be unhappy with you. The first drink we made was the "Agua de Palapa Joe's" which I think translates to "Chalky Milk Stew." We soaked rice in a bowl of water and added some cinnamon, condensed milk, and sugar. Then we blended it and strained it into a bowl. The straining didn't help much and it was incredibly gritty. It tasted like really bad horchata and it didn't have any alcohol in it, so it was pretty terrible. A pretty ominous way to kick off our drinks. Chris's rating: 1.5 out of 5 cups of white Pepto Bismol
Allie: As soon as I had a sip of this, it instantly brought me back to my childhood. Specifically because it tasted exactly like a medicine I once had to take when I was a child. Over the course of the evening, this kind of stratified and all the rice particles settled at the bottom and the water rose to the top, which is a thing that I noticed when I poured a completely full bowl of rice water milk down the drain after 30 people unanimously refused to drink more than one sip of it. Allie's rating: 1 out of 5 rocks I have literally eaten that were less gritty than this drink
Chris: Next we made the Code Red, which was vodka, peach schnapps, amaretto, cranberry juice, and OJ. It was described by partygoers as "Robitussin," "tastes like burning," "It's the taste of cough syrup but with the opposite effect, you drink it and get sick," and "tastes like a practical joke played by a possessed cherry tree." I would have a tendency to agree. First of all, it wasn't even that red--it was pretty brown. It should've been called Code Brown, which was the code we used when I was a lifeguard and a toddler pooped in the water. This had a very strong alcohol taste which overpowered the equally unpleasant sweetness of all the fruit juice. Not good, but drinkable. Chris's rating: 2 out of 5 doses of Code Red prescribed by Dr. Fieri
Allie: I thought this would be fine. I love alcohol. The only thing I love more than alcohol is drinking! And I honestly could not choke this down. It looked like swamp water and tasted like a swamp full of amaretto. I even went back later when I was good and toasted and I still could not manage more than a few sips of this. As you can see in the above photo, this drink was also our first warning that Guy Fieri loves throwing, like, four cups of fruit salad into all of his drinks. There were so many goddamned sliced oranges at this party it was like halftime at a children's soccer game. Allie's rating: 1 out of 5 drunk children soccer players
Chris: Then we made the Shark Attack. I think it's called that because it is often used as shark repellent. I would also recommend using it as a friend repellent---it worked for us! This little drink included: tequila, triple sec, and Bacardi 151, plus juice and fruit. I'm not sure what it is was, but something gave this a very strong odor--like an industrial solvent. I'm guessing it was the over-proof rum. Partygoers said it was "gummy bear diarrhea," "tasted like college," "the kind of drink an alcoholic makes," "I took one sip and got a DUI," and "If I took a chug of nail polish remover it would taste better than this." Despite having a kick, I kind of dug it. It wasn't great but it was pleasantly strong. Chris's rating: 3 out of 5 liver transplants needed
Allie: This was fine, I think. Making these drinks required a level of strategy usually reserved for Civil War re-enactments or avoiding bachelorette parties in public because Guy Fieri's cocktail recipes are all completely unstandardized - some recipes give their quantities in ounces, others in cups; some recipes make 1 serving and some make 12 (not a joke!!!). So this was the only party I've been to where mixing up the cocktails felt less like Cocktail and more like A Beautiful Mind. Anyway, that's a long-winded way of saying that by this point in the evening I was already pretty tired of having to make gross, complicated drinks. This drink tasted like alcohol with a slightly fruity aftertaste, like chasing nail polish remover with perfume. It was one of the better drinks we made. Allie's rating: 2 out of 5 Russell Crowe-cktails
Chris: Next up was the Grape Ape Bowla, which I think is supposed to be a pun on Great Ape but I'm not sure how. Many other people thought it was some sort of pun on ebola. Either way, my mouth is watering! This was rum, vodka, gin, triple sec, grape juice, 7-Up, and grapes. This one had a more positive reception with partygoers who raved "it's fine," "the ice really enhances the taste," "maybe I'm just getting drunk, but I like it?" "Grape ebola, like a mosquito, I thought it would suck... but the flavor surprised me" and "the best thing about this drink is it's not the other drinks." This basically tasted like grape juice mixed with Long Island iced tea. Chris's rating: 2 out of 5 confusing puns
Allie: If I ever met Guy Fieri and I could ask him only one question, I would ask him what this pun means. Am I dumb? What does this mean? At this point in the evening, I was drinking on an empty stomach because I didn't want to eat the bad food we made but I wasn't really getting drunk because I didn't want to drink the bad drinks we made so I was basically slumped over on the couch waiting for the party to end. It felt a lot like I was sitting shiva for myself. This tasted more like grape juice and less like industrial fumes than some of the other drinks, so I managed to drink like... half a cup of it. Allie's rating: 2.5 out of 5 NO PUNS HERE OUT OF PROTEST
Allie: At some point, we made a double batch of Guy's "Silver Sangria". This recipe was a pretty traditional spin on an old-world favorite. Just kidding, it was white wine mixed with rum, peach schnapps, sour apple liqueur, 7-Up, and a shitload of apples. You know in Lord of the Rings when Gandalf the Grey dies and he comes back as Gandalf the White and he's like "I come back to you now, at the turn of the tide"? This drink was my version of that because it was the only reason I got through the evening because it tasted like SOUR PATCH KIDS and I was so happy it didn't trigger my gag reflex that I drank like five glasses and I loved it!! Also just now I accidentally typed "soup patch kids" instead of "sour patch kids" which I think is pretty funny. I might still be drunk off of this terrible amazing sangria. Allie's rating: 5 out of 5 nectars of the gods
Chris: Look man, I love sour patch kids. They are a top 3 movie snack for me. I also love booze. It is a top 2 movie snack for me. But I FELT LIKE I WAS ON ANOTHER PLANET WHILE DRINKING THIS. People were saying how good it was and I couldn't even keep it down. The closest I got to ralphing at this party was drinking this, and you saw the Guy-talian Nachos. Part of the problem was we told someone to bring Sour Apple Pucker and he brought Berry Pucker. He said he "didn't understand what the big deal" was and that I should "stop hitting him with a mini souvenir baseball bat" but he destroyed the INTEGRITY of the blog. I'm just kidding, our integrity flew out the window somewhere around Crab Boil. Some party guests agreed with me, calling the drink "like freshman year vomit," asking "how do you fuck up sangria so badly?" and saying "Guy Fieri is an alcohol abuser." Anyway, this was foul and the chunks of fruit got stuck in the spigot of my punch pitcher and I had to poke them out with a toothpick. Chris's rating: 1 out of 5 movie snacks
Allie: We also made something called "JR's 50/50". This was basically an orange creamsicle with vodka and champagne, which means it's a perfect cocktail for someone who likes drinking but LOVES having indigestion. I don't like orange creamsicles or mixing alcohol with dairy so I took a sip of this and grimaced a little and then I put it down and WENT BACK TO MY SOUR SANGRIA Y'ALL Allie's rating: 2 out of 5 more glasses of silver sangria
Chris: In the span of one year, I got injured two times chasing the ice cream truck. The first time, I ran out of the house trying to catch the ice cream man, but I realized I'd never catch him on foot so I grabbed my razor scooter in hot pursuit. Speeding down a hill, the front wheel hit a storm drain and I scraped up my leg really badly. The second time was a few months later, when I was on vacation with my family in Bath, England and I excitedly chased after a BRITISH ice cream man. When I looked back at my family to gesture, "Come on, guys, he's getting away" I ran into a metal pole. Both times I did not get ice cream. Also, I am now lactose intolerant. So what I'm saying is, I am used to ice cream hurting me. The JR 50/50 wasn't bad, but I can't imagine deliberately ordering it and being satisfied. As a lot of party guests pointed out, this drink had a crazy after taste. It mostly just tasted like a creamsicle, but then it had a super strong aftertaste to remind you that you were making bad decisions. Partygoers also said, "this drink somehow gave me gout," asked "who is JR?", and said "my toddler would like it, and he's a two year old police chief." Chris's rating: 2 out of 5 ice cream truck accidents
Allie: Finally, we made the drink shown above and the drink shown below. One of them is called the Sea Donkey and one of them is called the Fish Bowl. They both look identical, so I don't know which one is which. As you can tell by the photo below, in which there is a whole lemon floating in a pitcher of blue liquid, we were all very calm and sober at this point in the evening and we were mostly exchanging quiet witticisms and insightful political commentary. These were both blue and that's what they tasted like. One of the saddest things I've ever seen in my entire life is the recipe for the Sea Donkey, which makes 1 serving, which means that Guy Fieri wrote a cookbook in which he posited that a single person would want to come home after a long day of work, pull out the Guy Fieri cookbook, and mix up a single glass of something called the "Sea Donkey", which they would presumably then drink alone. Finally, an answer to the age-old question, "what would the Unabomber drink?" Allie's rating: 3 out of 5 whole lemons thrown in desperation
Chris: I can't identify which is which based on the picture either. Both look like bottom of a porta potty. They were not interchangeable though! The sea donkey was tequila, blue stuff, orange vodka, sour mix, and midori. It was awful. It smelled like chinese newspapers and looked like the stuff they use to test maxi pads in commercials. Partygoers said "all the ingredients are sweet, but somehow it tastes really sour," "gatorade + vodka," and "I threw it out in your bathroom so you wouldn't see." Others raved "it was fine" and "not terrible." I disagree and thought it was among the worst. Chris's rating: 1.5 out of 5 drinkable urinal cakes
The fish bowl was vodka, coconut rum, blue stuff, sour mix, and pineapple juice--so you see how they are very different. This one is my pick for the best of the night. It was so far from good, but stood out in a crowded field of crap. It's kind of like trying to pick your favorite time you had hemorrhoids, or your favorite Pauly Shore movie. But this was drinkable and seemed authentically like something you would order at a TGI Fridays. Partygoers called it "one that drunk sorority girls would order on spring break," and "smurf hot tub water." There was also the most positive feedback including "least offensive," "don't hate it," "lived up to the name," "this was fine," and "better than others." Chris's rating: 4 out of 5 low expectations exceeded
Oh yea, we also had some activities other than terrible food and drink at our party! Because you know what goes great with drunk rowdy people who have only had garbage food to eat for several hours? Quiet activities with lots of rules.
We had this activity, which was surprisingly hard:
24/39 was the best score. Multiple people thought "Johnny Garlic's Hang Ten Suicide Nuggets" was a real recipe that was published in a real cookbook.
And the winners got to dress up like Guy and received the greatest honor a Guy Fieri blogger can bestow: the coveted food lube award.
Chris's wife also earned our eternal respect and gratitude when she didn't immediately divorce Chris after being handed a bottle of mayonnaise and being told to "turn this into a food lube award"
Final Summary:
Total dishes made: 90/157
Worst sentence in one of these recipes: "My bro Mario Lopez called me from Extra. The movie Hangover had just come out, and he wanted to know what a good hangover cocktail would be. So Mario and I went on and did a competition to see who could make the best JR 50/50. That was a funny gig." When he says hangover cocktail does he mean a cocktail that immediately gives you a hangover? If so, he NAILED it.
Worst text I've ever gotten from Chris the day after a party: "I just looked at myself and remembered I had a goatee. I'm sad"
Chris: The party was a smashing success if you rate it like golf: whoever had the least fun actually had the most fun.
Allie: The party was also a lot like golf in that it was less fun than most other things