Chris: My wife and I recently ordered a large canvas print of an old photo—really big, 3 ft x 5 ft. When we got it in the mail we were disappointed. Up close the photo was grainy. Looking at it for a few seconds hurt my eyes. But step back, and the picture finally snaps into focus. Some days I feel like this blog is that photo. That I’m so far in it that I can’t see its beauty until I take a step back.
Today was not one of those days. We made tons of ugly, disgusting food. There was nothing redeemable about it. I took 1000 steps back and it looked like a school bus fire.
Chris: The first thing we made was spinach tostadas with shrimp and potatoes. We had basically none of the ingredients, but that didn’t stop us from making it extra gross. It smelled and tasted bad. Allie ate like 20 of them, for some reason. Earlier in the evening, when we were grocery shopping, we split up for a while to speed things up. When I was on my own FOR BASICALLY THE FIRST TIME EVER, I ate like three free samples of pizza. Later, when we joined back up, we walked by the pizza man again and I mentioned that I’d already had a few samples and Allie was FURIOUS that I hadn’t immediately told her that I had pizza. I didn’t realize that was where our relationship has evolved to. Apparently, anytime I eat pizza, I need to immediately inform Allie. Let me tell you her phone is going to be BLOWING UP. Also, I burned my mouth on the pizza which sucked but it double sucked because I didn’t burn it enough because I could still taste all this food. Chris’s rating: 1 out of 5 pizza burns
Allie: Recently I have been super into movies about demons??? I think a lot of it stems from being raised Jewish and not knowing anything about demons and now I’m older and I get to discover all these nifty little things demons do. Like in the Conjuring when Patrick Wilson says the lady demon is knocking on the wall three times to scare children AND mock the Holy Trinity at the same time I’m like wow, what a cool power move, demons are very smart and petty and I respect that. If I were a demon I would be like the one in the Conjuring 2 who is like GET OUT OF MY CHAIR I AM AN OLD MAN and they’d be like why are you haunting this house and I’d be like I cooked all of Guy Fieri’s recipes and now my soul and tummy are eternally restless and I think they would get the message and back off. Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is watching movies where demons stalk Ethan Hawke is more relaxing and joyful than flinging dry handfuls of spinach into a skillet and then topping them with warm, lifeless shrimp. Despite being bland and flavorless, these tostadas were edible and I was hungry, so I ate a bunch. They tasted like dried leaves and I ate them anyway. Save me, demons! Allie’s rating: 3 out of 5 dried spinach demon pucks
Chris: I had sworn years ago that the only blog that would ever ruin my life would be The Huffington Post. So this time, when Allie demanded pizza like she does literally every time we cook Guy Fieri food, I caved. We ordered delicious deep dish pizza but the pizza company told us it would take ninety minutes to arrive, so we had a lame duck session of Guy Fieri cooking in the interim.
We made linguine and clams which I thought would be ok. My mom used to make these a lot. We went to the grocery store to buy clams but they didn’t have them. I feel like instead of writing this blog I should just make that magnetic poetry for your fridge with the three phrases I have to say over and over again. “The store didn’t have the dumb ingredient we needed,” “this food was complicated and bland,” “existence is a curse, life is a prison.” Or maybe instead of a blog I can just have a doll version of myself that when you pull its string it says one of these phrases. The doll would probably look like one of those anatomical dolls they give crime victims. “Show me on the doll where Guy Fieri hurt you…” The answer is MY HEART. Also my stomach and my butt. Anyway, we used canned clams that were 110% more green than I would have liked. This tasted very bad. I am a crime victim. Chris’s rating: .5 out of 5 I do not like green cans of clams. I do not like them Sam I am.
Allie: I don’t think I’ve ever had linguine and clams before (see above re: Jewish), so I was pretty bummed that my first time eating linguine and clams was going to be for this blog. I just knew it was going to be like if I had been saving myself for marriage and then I got married and then my wife took off her face mask and it turned out she had been a can of clams the whole time. From the get-go, I refused to believe that using canned clams was going to work for this. You cannot contain the fury of the ocean in a mere can!, I screamed in Mariano’s can aisle. And as usual, I was right. I ate very little of this because I had plans later and I didn’t feel like canceling them to stay home and barf clams. Anyway, it was very bland and it looked like something a lonely sailor had ladled out of the ballast task of a pasta ship. Allie’s rating: 2 out of 5 penalty points because it is our fault for using the clam can
Chris: The pizza still wasn’t here. It was like when you’re a kid and you’re waiting for Christmas and you just stare at the calendar trying to will time into speeding up and then everyone sees you staring at the calendar all the time and they think you love calendars so you get like 40 calendars for Christmas. In the meantime we made maybe the worst thing we have ever made for this blog, Good Pho You. Which was Pho. I know that’s a bold statement but it’s definitely on the Guy Fieri Terrible Food Mount Rushmore, along with Waka Waka salad, black eyed basmati salad, and grilled ketchup. I’m not sure how fair that is because we had like none of the right ingredients. We basically just cooked huge chunks of steak in broth we found in the Asian aisle that said “pho” on it, and then added cooked spaghetti. I don’t remember that much about cooking this to be honest. That’s probably for the best. Was there corn in this? Chris’s rating: 0 out of 5 stars pho this recipe
Allie: I walked by a Vietnamese restaurant the other day and the smell of savory, homemade pho wafted out of the window. Unable to resist, I went in and ordered a bowl. It was cold to the touch. The meat was hard and dry, like the wind-battered cheeks of a crossing guard. The onions were devoid of both texture and flavor, like a conversation with Blake Shelton. “What is this?” I whispered to the waitress. She smiled at me. “It’s our family’s recipe. Would you like to meet the chef?” I tried to say no, but I couldn’t move. There was a ringing in my ears, a buzzing that was growing in intensity. I realized I was the only diner in the restaurant. Outside the window there was a flock of crows but no trees and I distantly wondered what they were perched on. The door to the kitchen opened and as my mouth widened into a silent scream, I saw the frosted tips of Guy Fieri, wreathed in flame, and his backwards sunglasses reflected the inky void from which he had emerged.
I awoke screaming. Thank God, I thought. My pajamas were soaked with sweat. “I just had the most awful dream,” I murmured to my wife. “What happened?” she asked, her voice thick with sleep. “I was eating Vietnamese food,” I stammered, “but it was cooked by Guy Fieri. It was so bland and tough. There was barely any broth, but the broth that was there was terrible. But it’s over now. It was just a dream.” “That’s right,” my wife said. “It was just a dream.” Her voice sounded somehow… different. It didn’t sound human. I turned to face her, slowly, full of dread. And then I saw it. She wasn’t my wife anymore. She was just a can of clams. “Where’s my wife?” I gasped. My mouth had gone dry and I felt dizzy. “I am your wife,” the can responded. “I am a can of clams. I am a clam can. You cannot escape the clam can. You CAN… not.” I screamed again, but this time there was no reprieve. The nightmare was real. Allie’s rating: 0 out of 5 TO BE FAIR THIS RECIPE IS MOSTLY BAD BECAUSE WE DID NOT FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS FULLY BUT ALSO TO BE FAIR, THE WHOLE RECIPE WAS SOUL-CRUSHING IN ITS INTRICACY, I HOPE YOU ENJOYED MY SHORT STORY ABOUT MY SPOOKY MARRIAGE TO A CAN OF CLAMS
Total dishes made: 130/157
Worst Sentence in one of these recipes: “The tender splendor!” (In reference to clams)
If there was an Allie version of the doll it would say: “Can we order pizza?,” “Look at these pictures of my cat,” and “can dog he’s a dog made of cans.”
Allie: can dog he’s a dog made of cans
Chris: The pizza we ordered was the best thing we have ever made.