Allie: And so we return to the realm of Guy Fieri, rending our garments and ululating as we bemoan all the time and money we have spent scrounging together literal burnt offerings for our self-appointed tormentor, our nation's culinary Wario, our planet's most notorious chicken-fried menace. Would it shock you, friend, to learn that not one but TWO of Guy Fieri's dessert recipes involving lighting said dessert on fire? I chuckle at your naivety. I was like you, once. Can you imagine? Me, a carefree lass? Now I scowl at children and taunt songbirds because I envy their gaiety. THIS WEEK WE MADE STEAK, I cry into the void that is this 38-entry suicide note of a blog, AND IT WAS ACTUALLY FINE; PLEASE, KIND SIR, SEND US MONEY FOR A COOKIE CAKE?
Allie: First, we made turning greens. This meal was special because my mom was in town, so I decided to thank the woman who shot me out of her body and helped me make dioramas and stuff for 18 years by presenting her with a "vegetable side dish" that contained three different kinds of deli meat in it. Cooking this dish basically involved 1) sauteing hot oily deli meat 2) adding escarole to the saute pan 3) watching all the escarole magically disappear and 4) picking miserably at a bowl of hot meat while your mother refuses to eat any of it. All I have to say about this is, if you like eating warm salami out of a bowl with a fork, this is the side dish for you, and also you seem sad, are you OK? Allie's rating: 1 out of 5 sala-meet me in hell, guy fieri
Chris: As I was chopping 1.5 pounds of deli meat to make this vegetable side dish, I had a feeling deep down in my gut that this was not going to be good. This was confirmed by my gut when I ate it. This contained a truly heroic amount of cold cuts. It tasted like if someone took Arby's food and chopped it up and put it on some lettuce. Allie's mom kept telling us how various vegetables like escarole and fennel taste good and we had to tell her that, no matter what, this wasn't gonna taste good. It was like telling a kid that their turtle was sleeping forever and not gonna wake up and also sorry I ate your turtle. It produced a truly INSANE smell, like if a Subway sandwich shop exploded. Chris's rating: 1 out of $5 foot moms? Is that a pun?
Allie: Then we made some kind of steak with a red wine sauce. We cooked this the smart way: we grilled the steak plain and served it separately from the sauce so that if it was gross we could at least still have some plain meat to keep us alive. The sauce was a little on the sweet side, but it was surprisingly good. Like, I would make it again? This steak was kind of like Henry Cavill: I never remember that he exists but whenever I do I'm like oh yeah, he seems nice, I wonder what he's up to, even though his face and body are silly to me, when is he gonna do a comedy? I think he could be a lot of fun in a comedy. Oh man, I wish Jason Statham did more comedies. He's great. Steak steak steak men men steak men steak men talk! Allie's rating: 4 out of 5 i cav-will see you in hell, guy fieri
Chris: Allie has a PhD in dinosaurs or something and I think the smartest thing she has ever said is "Let's put the sauce on the side." Yea, this steak was good. But it got Allie's mom to be kind of cocky. She was like "Oh you guys complain too much, this food is good!" She didn't believe this was an exception and now I know how Adnan Syed from Serial feels all the time and we have suffered an equal amount. Honestly, the sauce was not bad either, but the steak was the star. I actually cooked the meat correctly this time which was new. Chris's rating: 4.5 steaks through the heart of Count Drac-guy-la
Allie: Finally, we made (deep breath) Red Lion flambe cherries jubilee. This had lingering undernotes of cherries and also butane, because for some reason (we were drunk) we kept cooking all the alcohol off of this dish and THEN trying to light it on fire (we were drunk). Towards the end we were so frustrated that this wasn't going up in flames like the fire guitar in Fury Road that we were basically pouring a fountain of Costco-brand whiskey directly into an open flame. Sometimes I look back on this blog and I'm like, huh, it's cool that we haven't died yet, I guess. Anyway, this tasted like smoky cough syrup and it was kind of fine but also I think my mom said it best when I told her what we were gonna make: "[horrified gasp]" Allie's rating: 2 out of 5 cherries jubi-be seeing you in hell, guy fieri
Chris: I stand by this being 0% our fault and 100% everyone else's fault for making this impossible to light. Allie is VERY scared of fire, much like she is afraid of BEING COOL, and kept asking if we had a fire extinguisher. This was a totally moot point because we never really got this to light. We just kept pouring more and more bourbon in until my apartment smelled like a poker night for divorced dads. Allie's mom had a lot of opinions on how we were doing this wrong and she was probably right but instead of listening to her we didn't. Look, sometimes you have to let the baby bird leave the nest and fall onto the ground and get driven over by a mail truck, ok? Chris's rating: 2.5 out of 5 unflambed cherries. How do you add accents? Oh. û, ŵ, ŷ, ä, ë, ï, ö, ü, ẅ, ÿ, à, è, ì, ò, ù, ẁ, ỳ.
Total dishes made: 127/157
Worst Sentence in one of these recipes: "Now to cook this one really off-the-hook you gotta put on some brown polyester!!!"
Things Allie would like to reiterate: that SHE IS NOT AFRAID OF FIRE BUT RESPECTS IT AND ITS ABILITY TO DESTROY CITIES AND LIVES
Allie: It's gotten to the point now where I will legit watch horror movies and be like "okay yeah being possessed by a demon seems bad but at least no one is being forced to eat hot oily salami in their house of death"
Chris: I hope your mom had a nice time and doesn't resent me for making her eat sub-dog food-level food.