Allie: Well, we made tacos, and neither one of us went to the emergency room, so I guess it was one of our better meals? Chris and I cooked at my apartment again this week. My apartment is a very small studio that has a solid 18 square inches of counter space, so cooking Guy Fieri food at my place always has a real Man vs. Wild vibe to it (in terms of scrounging for space and resources, not in terms of like... finding fresh water). Other than that, it was a pretty typical night for us. When we were at the grocery store, the cashier held up the head of romaine lettuce we were buying and said "is this romaine?" to which I said "yes, it is... the romaine event" and Chris said "I hate you" and the cashier laughed and then stopped and looked at me and quietly said "That made my night" and it got really serious all of a sudden. In these dark times, I guess it's nice to know that this Guy Fieri blog, which is basically hamburgling my body and spirit every week, could have been the catalyst for something positive for once. Later, Chris said "what a good pun you made. You make great puns. Our friendship is stronger than ever!" It was a nice moment.
Chris: It was a nice moment. Allie followed it up by tearfully declaring, "you complete me."
Allie: First, we made Tex Wasabi's koi fish tacos. The first time I read the name of this recipe, I was like, sure, of course Guy walks around grabbing koi out of those little ponds in hotel lobbies and putting bleached-tip wigs on them and deep-frying them and serving them to unhappy Norcal families for $27. I have been given the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Then I read the recipe and realized that this taco actually calls for cod, and he just named them after koi because he was trying to be cute, and apparently koi are a cool fish that people like to tattoo on themselves (?). Anyway, we embraced Guy's legacy by making "koi fish tacos", which called for cod, by using tilapia, which I assume is only found in the saddest of hotel lobby ponds.
For some reason, this took us like four hours to cook, which may have been because we had to make a tequila lime aioli and pico de gallo and let them both sit for an hour before we could fry up this dumb fish. In related news, I would like to find whoever told Guy Fieri about adding tequila to dairy and I would like to kick him into the sun. Anyway, these were actually pretty good. I've never made fish tacos before, but the fish was actually pretty light and crispy. You could also just go to Rubio's and get a fish taco and it wouldn't take you 3 hours and your apartment wouldn't smell like a Rubio's, but if you're going to make fish tacos you could probably do a lot worse than these. Allie's rating: 4 out of 5 koi vey!!! (???)
Chris: What the hell is Rubio's? GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA, YOU HIPPIE!!
Allie was manning the breading station which went egg->flour->breadcrumbs. As we made more and more fish chunks her work got sloppier and sloppier until she was just slinging golf ball-sized chunks of flour into scalding hot oil, despite my protests for some semblance of sanity and order. We used tilapia that was suspiciously cheap--$4/lb--and it didn't taste like anything. That's not to say it tasted bad; I actually liked these. These tasted like they were authentic Long John Silvers, which is maybe the biggest compliment you can give a Guy Fieri dish.
The tequila lime aioli is like the tenth dish we've made that required us to add tequila to regular food to ruin it. Like the handsome geniuses we are, we bought a bottle of the cheapest tequila at the cheapest grocery store six months ago and have been using it in all the recipes and are repeatedly SHOCKED that it does not taste good. Anyway, these were solid if you didn't use the aioli. Also, Allie needs to buy a microwave because I had to heat the tortillas on the stove like a PILGRIM. Chris's rating: I won't be Koi, these deserve a 4 out of 5! (I'm sorry)
Allie: We also made watermelon pork tacos. We did not want to make watermelon pork tacos. After we were done frying up the koi pond tacos, Chris was lying on the ground and I was reflecting on the fact that in prepping two taco dishes, we had used literally every single dish I owned, and I was realizing that cleaning my kitchen was going to be like cleaning up an extra-greasy crime scene on a Smash Mouth tour bus. I was also mad at Chris because he didn't cut up the pork before he started to marinate it, so I basically fired up a skillet and threw half a pork tenderloin on there and hacked at the meat while it cooked, like a very domestic murderer. As we ate these, Chris looked at me and said "I don't like this" in a sad voice. Then he went home.
These tacos were pretty weird. The pork had kind of an Asian-inspired marinade, with soy sauce and oyster sauce, but then it was covered in avocado and watermelon. It wasn't bad, necessarily, but it also wasn't a flavor profile I feel compelled to explore in the future. It was also wrapped in lettuce because Guy Fieri is a carb Babadook, I guess. Someone should make a movie where the Babadook lives underwater and he is called a Crabadook! Anyway, these tacos were inoffensive, but you don't have to make them. Allie's rating: 2.5 out of 5 take a look, Crabadook, reading rainbows
Chris: Could you have picked a more obscure reference than Babadook? GO BACK TO CALIFORNIA, YOU ELITIST SNOB!
I really didn't want to make this food. I was exhausted from cooking/being scalded by hot oil for like 5 hours and was just laying on the floor. Allie and I then spent forty five minutes thinking of ways we wouldn't have to cook these dumb pork tacos, which probably took more effort than just cooking them. Ideas we thought of included:
-Rearrange our entire weekends to find a time to cook together
-Have one of us cook these, and then make the other person try it next time we were together
-Don't cook it and pretend we did and assume no one would care/notice
-Use science or magic to go back in time and not have this blog
In the end, we just ended up cooking them. Like Allie already SPOILED, I did not like these. The texture could best be described as "wet" and there was a weird contrast between the hot pork and the ice cold watermelon that I did not like. It was like that Katy Perry song Hot N Cold in that I DID NOT LIKE IT. Chris's rating: 2 out of 5 plastic bags drifting through the wind
Total dishes made: 57/153
Worst sentence in one of these recipes: "No, I don't actually use koi in this recipe, but koi fish are reminiscent of Asia and tattoo art, and you know I gotta have fun with the name. Yee-haw!"