Fieri and Brimstone Presents: Boozeapalooza 2017, Part I

Chris: Very early on in this project we realized that if we had to make all of the bonkers cocktails in this cookbook, we would go broke. Each one requires one tablespoon of approximately 142 obscure liquors. Then we'd be riding the rails as hobos and we would have to explain to all of our hobo buddies that we lost everything because we have a Guy Fieri blog. And I'm not sure I can take that sort of embarrassment. That's why we hatched a scheme to have a Guy Fieri party where we had everyone bring some liquor and share the burden that is literally crushing my soul.

Ever since we had the plan for this party, we've been using it as a catch-all, get out of jail free card for keeping pace on this blog. Can't cook this week? That's fine! We'll make so many recipes at the party it'll totally make up for it. Falling behind pace? We're not taking into account the party, where we will cook like 200 recipes. Unfortunately, the party didn't really put us nearly as far ahead as we were hoping. It was fun (?) though.

Allie and I met at noon and went shopping. Our first stop was Kinkos, where we printed some of these awesome motivational posters using real Guy Fieri quotes from the cookbook. It's pretty hard to lose your dignity at Kinkos because you're already in Kinkos--the jig is up. But printing these things in public was incredibly embarrassing. Like this one:

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And this one:

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We also went to the store where we bought a ton of food, including 10 pounds of pork butt, a gallon of ice cream, and six pounds of lard:

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At this point, it was like 3:00 and Allie and I were already incredibly tired so we sat down and watched Free Willy on Netflix, which has aged like fine wine. There is one point in the movie where the main kid first sees Willy and goes, "what is that the thing?" Apparently, before the internet, kids had no idea what a whale was UNLESS THEY SAW ONE IN PERSON. Also, do you guys remember the animated series where Willy could talk and there was a bad guy who had been disfigured by Willy and drove around in a submarine trying to hunt Willy down? Me neither. All of a sudden, it was like 4:30 and we had people coming in like 3 hours so we started cooking.

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Chris: First, we made carnitas. Allie kept saying "oh carnitas are easy" and like an idiot I believed her. According to Guy Fieri, the best way to make carnitas is to deep fry them in lard. And the ratio of meat to lard should be 1:1. That's not a joke. And we wanted to double the recipe to make sure there was enough for everyone, so that meant buying ten pounds of meat and ten pounds of lard. We bought every lard brick the grocery store had (which was only six) and were too embarrassed to ask someone to go in the back and get us MORE LARD. So we just dealt. Yea so I cut the meat in giant chunks and put them in my giant cast iron pan with giant chunks of lard and cooked them for 90 minutes. It took two batches until everything in my apartment had a thin layer of grease all over it. Some friends came to the party a little early and helped us with some dishes and said "why does everything feel so...slimy." Also this happened to my counter top from cooking for so long:

The carnitas were fine, although they were pretty bland because literally the only seasoning was SALT. Chris's Rating: 3 out of 5 bricks of lard

Allie: As someone who lived in Nor Cal for five years, I had sky-high expectations for these Nor Cal carnitas. However, as someone who has never cooked with lard, I was shocked and horrified that we had to buy all the lard they had at Jewel, even though Jewel insisted on marketing their lard as a "holiday favorite". Maybe other families grew up sitting around a Christmas tree, enjoying their annual hot slices of lard, but in our family we were taught that all fast food was horse meat and that the quickest way to a painful death was to eat mayonnaise. Anyway, these carnitas were fine, but they were pretty greasy and bland and I was convinced we were going to die in a grease fire the whole time they were cooking, which made this one of the more stressful parties I've ever planned. Allie's rating: 3 out of 5 fast food chains that use horse meat

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Allie: We also made Guy-talian nachos. Before this blog, I thought nachos were fun and relatively easy to make, like an idiot. In Guy Fieri's world, making nachos requires making an Italian salsa (ugh), cooking two kinds of meat, buying a million toppings, and MAKING YOUR OWN CHIPS by deep-frying wonton wrappers. It's getting to the point where I expect even one of his basic pasta recipes to begin with "Become an apprentice to a blacksmith and forge a cast-iron saucepan from the fires of Io, Jupiter's most volcanically active moon; boil water". Even though making these nachos took longer than all of WWII, they were fine. I ended up eating a lot of them because I was hungry and they were there and we put them out after we had made a few drinks and I was so tired I forgot to be actively disgusted that I was eating nachos covered in capers. Allie's rating: 3 out of 5 Guy-talian not-chos

Chris: These things were a minefield of different textures and different temperatures. The first bite would be nice and crisp, the second bite would be soft and gooey. First bite would be burn-your-mouth hot, second bite would be ice cold. If variety is the spice of life... um... that would explain why my life is terrible and I have a Guy Fieri blog? I know the photo kind of looks like your pizza delivery driver dropped your salad on the sidewalk, and scooped it up and served it to you anyway, but it was worse. I'm surprised Allie liked this, because I thought it was terrible. None of the flavors worked together. It was incredibly spicy, yet very bland. Also the name was so stupid and so fully set the recipe up for failure, it would've taken the world's best nachos to recover. And these were not them. Chris's rating: 1.5 out of 5 garbage sidewalk salads

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Chris: We also made Hot Wieners, Rhode Island Style which is the spinoff of Love, American Style you didn't know you wanted. What's that? You haven't heard of WORLD FAMOUS Rhode Island Hot Wieners? Well for those who are not COSMOPOLITAN enough to have enjoyed a Hot Wiener, Rhode Island style, it's this thing where you microwave hot dogs and then put ground beef, onions, and cinnamon on them. To be fair, when my brother-in-law (the only person I know from Rhode Island) came over, I asked him what a Hot Wiener Rhode Island style is and he told me it was a hot dog with ground beef, onions and cinnamon on it. So these were extremely authentic. And they tasted pretty good. I know, because we made 16 hot dogs, and only 12 were left over at the end of the party. Chris's rating: 3.5 out of 5 authentically hot wieners

Allie: I'm hot trash, so any version of a chili dog has to be pretty actively bad for me to not want to it eat. I didn't want to eat these. They mostly tasted like cinnamon, which made me feel like I was eating a hot dog jammed inside a Yankee Candle. If this is what Rhode Island has to offer the world, I would like to invite Rhode Island to kindly launch itself into the ocean and let the rest of America work on developing tastier food. Allie's rating: 2 out of 5 new feuds with Rhode Island

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Allie: We also made baklava cigars. They were fine. However, the dipping sauce tasted so strongly of cloves that when I tried it my sinuses folded in on themselves like a thatched hut in a hurricane and I couldn't breathe for a few minutes, which is generally not something I look for in a dessert. Anyway, these baklava cigars are perfect if you want to throw a party and spend 40% of it saying "don't eat that dipping sauce, it tastes like a bunch of cloves drowned themselves in a vat of more cloves, I'm sorry for inviting you to a party where the food is actively not good, please leave me alone while I pick around the capers in these Guy-talian nachos". Allie's rating: 2.5 out of 5 cloverwhelming tastes

Chris: In the commotion of preparing for the party, I briefly forgot we made these and I saw them on the counter and thought they were mini burritos and got excited. Then I remembered that they were baklava cigars, and I lowered my expectations wayyy down. I think these were called Baklava Cigars because they tasted kind of like a casino carpet. Ok, that's not fair, but the dipping sauce was so clove-y that it didn't even taste like cloves anymore. It kind of tasted like Big Red gum mixed with aftershave. The cigars themselves were fine, I guess. The most important thing that came out of this was I found out my friend pronounces baklava as "bah-klava" which sounds so stupid that it can't possibly be correct. But I can't read the pronunciation symbols thing in the dictionary so I guess I'll never know. Chris's rating: 2 out of 5 \ˈpȯints\

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We made so many recipes that we had to divide this post into two parts.  So join us next week for the thrilling conclusion of Boozeapalooza!

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