meal thirty-six: cheddar trans-porter soup, my super thai beef salad, black-eyed basmati salad, teriyaki sauce

Allie: OK, let's get into it. This week I cooked everything and Chris sat on my couch and put The Flintstones movie on and we started watching it as a joke and then we ended up watching the whole thing. Here is the thing I don't understand: ANYTHING ABOUT THE FLINTSTONES. Like I get that they're old-fashioned prehistoric people but it is chilling to me that there was once a whole civilization that existed and had the same versions of things that we did like McDonald's and Tavern on the Green but then they all died and we all evolved to have the same things but they weren't rock-themed anymore? Like I don't know if I'm making any sense because all I eat is antidepressants and sour gummy worms but a) why do the Flintstones chisel everything into stone tablets when they could just INVENT PAPER, b) don't tell me the Flintstones couldn't invent paper when they were able to harness prehistoric elephants to be their SHOWERS, c) was there an alien???, d) why was the whole plot of the movie about Kyle MacLachlan embezzling money from people, e) why did we watch this whole movie??? Remember when this blog used to be about Guy Fieri food? Me neither.

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Allie: First, we made Guy's trans-porter cheddar soup. Making this soup was a nightmare because I had to blend it in my tiny Cuisinart food processor and believe me when I tell you THIS SOUP GOT EVERYWHERE. Remember when Alicia Vikander was in like 7 movies in 2015? Well in this analogy, this soup was Alicia Vikander and my kitchen was the year 2015. I was cleaning soup out of my measuring cups and cereal bowls and all but preparing burnt offerings to our Lady of Open Shelving, Joanna Gaines, who hath led me astray. I bet Joanna Gaines has never scrubbed cheesy beer soup out of a measuring cup. She really does have it all. Anyway, this soup didn't really taste like anything? It didn't really taste like cheese or beer, despite containing both of those ingredients. It was really thick and gritty and it COATED all my spoons to the point where I've spent the last three days trying to scrub cheese residue off my cheap-ass Target spoons like I'm Kate Winslet in Contagion and my spoons are her immune system. Anyway, Chris and I were both really hungry so we ate like three bowls of this sticky gunky soup in silence and I thought of all these weird analogies about Alicia Vikander and Kate Winslet and how Chris was gonna hate them and I smiled like a little evil boy. Allie's rating: 3 out of 5 times a day I remember Jude Law was in Contagion

Chris: I truly felt like royalty just sitting on the couch while Allie slaved away in the kitchen. And what a fancy king I was. Sitting on a tiny love seat drinking beer out of a can and watching a movie based around rock puns, while a woman yelled at me about how logically the movie makes no sense. Truly, I felt like royalty as paper bowl after paper bowl of hot garbage was served to me. And indeed I felt most regal when all this food made me have to sit on the throne for 3 hours afterwords, because I forgot to take lactaid. 

I would like to compliment this soup on being made of so many ingredients that somehow cancelled each other out so this truly tasted like nothing. Like in the new Avengers movie how there are SO MANY characters that it all sort of ends in a CGI orgy of washboard abs, and people shooting colorful balls at each other, this all just kind of ended in a colorless orgy of brown cheese. Earlier that day, Allie texted me that if I wanted snacks I would have to BRING THEM MYSELF because she didn't have enough room in her arms to carry them back from the store. I don't know why she couldn't have used a BAG, instead of just trying to scoop up all her groceries in her arms like a Hungry, Hungry Hippo. So anyway, for like 4 hours this was the only thing to eat at Allie's house so, like a Dickensian orphan, I just kept going back for bowl after bowl. Chris's rating: 2.5 out of 5 cups of PLAIN SOUP.

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Allie: We also made Guy's super Thai beef salad. It was one of those things: it was basically a bowl of beef, because the only edible part of this was the beef. Have you ever wondered what it feels like to take a big bite of spinach and entire mint leaves drenched in fish sauce and watermelon chunks? It tastes like your mind is touching the void. It tastes like how a Pink Floyd album cover looks. It tastes like toothpaste that someone just dug up from Chernobyl. I made like Walter Mondale and said "where's the beef?" and threw out my salad and I just ate the beef alone in the kitchen. Allie's rating: 1 out of 5 Geraldine Ferrar-NOs to this salad

Chris: Boy did this suck. I don't like watermelon. Yes, I've tried it. Yes, I've heard how refreshing it is on warm summer day. Yes, I know it is a healthy treat. You're not going to trick me into liking it. Really, all melons are the worst. Do you ever get a fruit salad that is like 90% melons and 2 grapes? That's literally worse than getting FACE CANCER. One time when I ran a summer camp, I bought 4 watermelons. Not to eat, mind you (see above, melons suck), but to grease up and make children play water polo with (naturally). I was storing them in my office and I went to lunch and when I came back they were missing. I investigated and no one would own up to it. We ended up blaming this one kid who LOVED WATERMELON, but I'm pretty sure he didn't do it. I mean he is the most likely culprit, because seriously this kid was like that bird who is cuckoo for coco puffs, but instead he is cuckoo for watermelon and a human man. One time I just like watched him go to town on a watermelon for like 15 minutes. Anyway, I still have not solved the mystery of who stole the 4 watermelons and if you have any tips please send them in. There is a $10,000 reward for any tips that lead to the capture of the watermelon thief. Chris's rating: .5 out of 5 melon mysteries

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Allie: Then, we made black-eyed basmati salad. This may have been the worst thing I've ever cooked, and I once made a french fry ice cream that was 80% salt. Neither the peas nor the rice was fully cooked. Everything was crunchy and tasted like mustard. After we were done dinner I walked Chris outside so I could go to the corner store and get some ice cream to bring home and eat alone and when I got there I had a whole conversation with the guy behind the counter and when I left I saw that I had a receipt stuck in my hair and LISTEN HERE I would rather go through my entire life with CVS receipts fluttering out of my damn hair like dead leaves than ever have to eat this crunchy bone salad again. Allie's rating: 0.5 out of 5 times in my life I thought I was being charming but was actually serving as a cautionary tale to someone nearby

Chris: When I was a kid, my sisters used to trick me and make me think their nose was broken by moving their nose while secretly chewing on dry pasta. It was never once funny and the sound of dry pasta being munched on creates a Pavlovian response in me to say "Mom, they're being mean to me." This salad was mostly just dry rice and beans and sounded exactly like dry pasta when chewed and I yelled "Guy Fieri is being mean to me!" to no one in particular. Much like the other Black Eyed Peas, this dish was bland, wilted, and pointless. The only real debate is which did I hate more? The watermelon salad or what was essentially a scoop of dry dog food? I gotta feeling that this dish was a little worse. I mean, where is the love? And...uh...my humps. Chris's rating: 0 out of 5 members of the black eyed peas (there are 5 members right? Fergie, will.i.am...that other guy...the weird long haired guy?...is Stevie Nicks in the Black Eyed Peas?).

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Allie: I also whipped up a cool, refreshing bowl of teriyaki sauce but you're just going to have to BELIEVE ME because I forgot to take a picture of it. It was lumpy and gelatinous. Chris is going to be furious with me for saying this but: it had the exact consistency of menstrual blood (DEAL WITH IT, CHRIS, MENSTRUATION IS A PART OF LIFE)!!!! Teriyaki sauce is also a part of life, but I've had much better teriyaki sauce than this. This was too gummy and sour for my taste, which is saying a lot because, as mentioned above, 75% of my diet is sour gummy things. Allie's rating: 2 out of 5 texts Chris sent me asking me to remove my period joke from this post

Chris: When I walked into Allie's apartment, she yelled at me EAT THIS TERIYAKI SAUCE. I had a spoonful. It tasted like bad teriyaki sauce. We threw it out. I'd complain more but it was such a minor speed bump on the highway that is life that it's not worth getting out of the car and grabbing a random pedestrian and saying "WHY IS THERE A SPEED BUMP ON THIS HIGHWAY?" You know when you're walking up the stairs in the dark and you think there is one more stair and you step on AIR and you almost fall over? This sauce reminded me of that. If you were strolling along the street minding your own business and a man came up to you and said I have free teriyaki sauce, it is not in packets, would you like some, would you say yes? I don't think I would. Teriyaki sauce should only come out of packets or those little bottles they have at sushi places sometimes. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Allie and I are going to set up a lemonade stand but instead of lemonade we are going to sell the world's thickest, least flavorful teriyaki sauce and instead of being cute kids we are going to be world-weary adults and instead of making money we are going to somehow get more student loan debt. Chris's rating: 2.5 out of 5 LIFE LESSONS

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Final Summary

Total dishes made: 115/157

Worst sentence in one of these recipes: "Just when you thought beans and rice combos were all served up hot, I unload this super-duper-tasty side dish. This one rocks like the band!"

Another fun thing that happened during this meal: A group of random women accidentally included Chris on their pre-bachelorette party group text and he texted them a couple times about Muppet Babies

Chris: I can't wait for the 8-part podcast series about finding the Watermelon Thief called Seedless. 

Allie: I can't wait for the 8-part podcast series about our blog called The Fast and the Fieri-ous: One Woman's Descent into Madness and Arson

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