Chris: Well folks, it took twenty meals but it finally happened. Guy Fieri almost sent me to the emergency room.
It all started when Allie asked me to come over to her apartment to install a hook so she could hang a plant, because I am a man, and thus handy, and she is a woman, and thus loves plants? I don't know anything about women. Allie also told me she didn't have a stud finder, or a stepstool, or a drill and I said, "Ok just remind me to bring them" and so she immediately texted me, "don't forget a stepstool, drill, or stud finder." Whatever. I'm pretty sure Allie has now lost her security deposit since we cooked Guy Fieri food in it for the first time.
Anyway, we start cooking the food, which needs to simmer for a while, and so I got up on a step stool to try to drill the hook into the ceiling, and like an idiot I don't wear goggles or anything, and my face is like an inch from the ceiling, and a whole bunch of dry wall gets in my eye. It doesn't hurt that bad, and dammit, I have a Guy Fieri blog to crappily maintain, so I go back to cooking, just keeping one eye closed. Somehow, that doesn't make it better. I try flushing it with water from the sink for like 15 minutes. It feels better while I'm actually flushing it, but once I take it out of the water, it starts hurting again. I try watching Marc Maron's new stand up special, doesn't help. At this point, it's like eleven p.m., I'm full of like a pound of Guy Fieri food, and I'm thinking I might have to go to the emergency room. I start texting with a friend who is a doctor who just laughs at me. Allie googles it and finds an old reddit thread that suggests instead of flushing your eye in the sink, you should stick your face in a bowl of water and blink until the stuff comes out. So that's how this happened:
Anyway, it worked! Look how much stuff was in my eye!
Chris: Oh yea, also we made dumb and mediocre food.
Chris: First, we made weird spaghetti. I've been annoyed just looking at this recipe in the cookbook over the last five months because it just has a dumb name. I keep saying, "there's vomit on his sweater already, weird spaghetti." I have to give this recipe credit though--it was better than Eminem's vomit. It was basically Skyline chili. There were spices, and ground beef, and tomato sauce. Also there was spaghetti. It honestly wasn't all that weird. I find it more weird, if anything, that he chose this recipe, of all recipes, to attach the "weird" moniker to. There were so many weirder recipes! One time I had to put ground up ramen noodles on a salad! I had to make pasta inspired by Guy losing his virginity, for Chrissakes. Couldn't he have called that "weird spaghetti??" Chris's rating: 3 out of 5 "weird" points.
Allie: A few months ago, my mom saw Guy Fieri make chili on a daytime talk show and she called me and was straight up AGHAST at the way he seasoned his chili. Every time she calls me now we have to talk about this dumb chili he made and how poorly seasoned it was, because our mother-daughter relationship is 40% based on food and 40% based on talking shit about people (and 20% based on a shared enjoyment of red wine). I don't know if this counted as chili or pasta, but here's what I do know: it tasted like a pumpkin pie and I hated it. The balance of the spices was way off, and between the sweetness of the tomatoes and the cocoa powder, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and nutmeg, it was like eating a beefy pumpkin spice latte. This pasta was so bittersweet, it was like eating the ending of Annie Hall, or some dusty dark chocolate that had been floating around my purse for six months. I mean, it's literally called "weird spaghetti", so I guess I can't get too mad about it being... weird spaghetti. Allie's rating: 1.5 out of 5 snap back to reality, oh there goes spa-ghetti
Chris: We also made heirloom nitro tomato soup. We had been saving soups for Fall, because we are all about that #cozylife. Also, we are disorganized. This recipe came out looking like white mush. If I told you there are two photos on this blog post, one is soup and another is drywall, would you guess that this is the soup??
Because, yea that is soup. This soup was incredibly spicy. I know we usually give Guy a hard time for underseasoning his dishes, but this was so spicy that it made my eyes water. The tears did not propel the drywall out of my eye. I don't know, this soup was pretty good. I ate it with tortilla chips and that was nice. Chris's rating: 3.5 out of 5 spicy drywall chunks.
Allie: I've made plenty of soups and stews before because, as Chris mentioned above, I am all about that #cozylife. This soup called for a roux containing almost a whole stick of butter and a wheelbarrow full of flour. I yelled to Chris, "I think this soup is going to be really thick" but he was busy washing drywall out of his eye and he yelled back something that sounded like "I am busy washing drywall out of my eye". So I made this soup, which was far too thick to be considered a liquid. As I stirred it, the whole thing kind of balled up on itself like choux pastry dough. I had to add two cups of water to coax it back into a liquid state. Confusingly, it didn't even really taste like tomatoes; it kind of tasted like queso without the cheese (?). It was definitely very spicy, but that's probably because Chris just dumped a bunch of jalapenos in the tomato mixture and then ran off to drill a hole in my ceiling. Anyway, it's probably a good thing that Chris's near-blinding incident happened, because otherwise I would've had to write a whole paragraph about how the phrase "heirloom nitro" sounds like a reboot of Antiques Roadshow hosted by Vin Diesel and no one wants to hear about that. Allie: 2 out of 5 Fast and Furious: Tokyo Thrifts
Total recipes made: 55/153
Worst sentence in one of these recipes: "The better the base ingredients, the better the outcome of your dish." Oh, that's what we're doing wrong.
FYI: In case of an eyemergency, here is a 2013 Reddit thread about how to get drywall out of your eye. It is truly comforting to know that when our garbage government repeals Obamacare we will have old Reddit threads to keep us alive
Allie: FYI, Chris didn't even have the right drill bit, so after this meal, all I had was two holes in my ceiling, nowhere to hang my plant, and indigestion
Chris: Sorry I inconveninced you with my friendship